Friday, June 22, 2007

Everything has changed...

Since the last time I posted, I finally found a full time position. A really good one at Urban Ivy. So I finally have insurance again...I've been going to get check-ups everywhere! In the process, I found out that I have some post traumatic stress symptoms. Well I knew I did...but now I can actually do something about it.

I have been having panic attacks, headaches, insomnia, and really have changed in ways I can't describe. For the past two years, I've felt kind of out of sync and a bit scattered. I can't really put it into words, but I have been holding it all together with spit and Elmer's glue just praying that I'd be able to get myself re-established and on back on the path I am meant to follow. I've had a lot of distractions in the meantime, but I am really proud of myself for getting to this point. It's been awhile since Katrina, I know. But still not a day goes by that I am not reminded of it or affected by it. And that experience kind of churned up all the other difficult experiences I had before.

But I am using all this as an opportunity to understand myself better and to build a stronger future. The thing that bothered me most about Katrina was that despite all my hard work--I have been working since I was 13 years old--overnight I had nothing to show for it. I've moved from state to state and had always made excuses for not buying a house and just like that, I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to do. Watching my parents go through the process of rebuilding theirs made me feel more keenly that I had nothing to call my own. So now that I am working, I've decided one of my first goals is to save for a house of my own. It's going to take a little time. But I am firmly setting my intentions to have enough money for a down payment on a house by Christmas 2008--or sooner! And I am also doing the work of rediscovering myself. Things have been so disorienting. I literally lost track of myself. A lot of times unable to remember what I like and withdrawing from things I like to do. This month I have really challenged myself to reconnect. I have been reading voraciously! I've reconnected with friends. And I have some projects--very modest--in mind that I want to pursue. I am planning to travel--not too far at first! And I am just letting myself re-emerge.

We have no idea what we are capable of until we have the opportunity to face life. I never would have thought that the decisions I made one Saturday night