Friday, April 22, 2005

If everything were possible...

"You have not because you ask not..."
These words have been resonating in my head for days. Someone said them to me and I've been thinking about them ever since. What if everything I want is just for the asking? A thrilling, humbling, somewhat frightening prospect.
I've been grappling with my difficulties with asking for help but I also need to deal with my disavowal of desire. A simple question. What do you want. I have hardly a reply. I can't even remember when I stopped wanting or why. On one level not wanting is a means of control...of self and even others. If you do not want, other people cannot affect you. Their inconsistencies and shortcomings cannot knock you off course. It all really ties back to the help issue. The almost irrational need to be self-contained, self-sufficient. To connect with others one must ask for help, must be able then to articulate what one wants, needs, and expects of others. Then one must be prepared for inevitable dissapointment, but as I left out of the equation blissful satisfaction.
You have not because you ask not...
Its time for me to start asking.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Law and Order

After all that hand-wringing I did about Martha Stewart and Lil Kim, who figured I'd be throwing myself at the mercy of the court...
Last month I ended up with a ticket after a surly NOPD officer pulled me over one morning. I was just about to push the send button at the city website electronic payment page, when I decided to go to court and state my case. In fact, I was not speeding--that's what they all say, I surely used my turn indicator, and I definitely did not have an expired registration. So I figured, what the heck. The worse that could happen is that I would have to pay the $372 fine but just maybe Justice would lift her blindfold and smile on me. So instead of the payment page, I swung over to the page where you make court appointments.
This morning was the day. I showed up an hour early and had stuffed two long books in my bag so I'd be prepared for a long morning. I turned in my summons and tried to take my mind off things by reading...
Well, just when things were starting to get boring in walked an angel. The daughter of my grandmother's former neighbor, and now an attorney. She looked at my ticket and volunteered to help me out. And I didn't even know I needed helping. When my name was called she came with me into the judge's chambers, they exchanged muffled words and before I knew what happened, I was back in the main courtroom. My paperwork now said I had not been wearing my seatbelt. My rigid, black-white logic center started to protest, "I was too wearing my seatbelt!" But I took a deep breath instead, and then smiled as I overheard the clerk telling ***** that my fine was $27. I'll take that!***** waved off my profuse thanks and left me standing at the cashier's window.
I am just light and giddy. As I've always believed--but sometimes forgotten-- whenever we take a step forward on faith, God rushes forward to meet us. I told ***** about my career moves and she gave me an encouraging smile. You don't have to know what will happen next, just that you will move forward. And I am moving ahead. Help and grace will meet you right where you are. This is a good day!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

watch this space

Oh world...these past few weeks I have been terrbily silent. I apologize. I have, as my friend says, made moves. Some I will not describe at this time, but suffice it to say, I will soon have lots more time to write on my blog. I will also be able to elevate my subject matter from musings about my waistline and whatnot to more sublime subject matter, I hope.
I feel as if I have come to some sort of watershed moment. Like maybe my quarterlife crisis may really be over. For the past few days, in conversations with friends I have been receiving all kinds of new information that I was simply not able to hear before. I also realize that I have embraced my fears and anxieties. By embrace I mean rather than fighting or denying them, I am moving forward with them. I feel pretty damn good.
On more mundane fronts, perhaps because of my newly relaxed countenance, I am getting hit on by high school students. Que horrible! Perhaps the young man I encountered on the street was merely practicing so as to be prepared for his peers. But maybe this Demi-Ashton thing has shifted the zeitgeist in ways I do not fully appreciate. Perhaps Mary Kay Letourneau has been transformed into some sort of belwether for the future of male-female relationships. I mean if fifty is the new thirty and forty is the old thirty, then I would be around fifteen. Maybe high school boys should be hitting on me after all. And if we can find a place to hang out where I can have a cocktail that wraps up in time for them to make their curfew, maybe I'll give the next young whippersnapper the chance to make an indecent proposal.
And I almost forgot to complain about my taxes. Probably because there's really no point in doing so. I owe, I owe, so what can I do? I mailed in the installment payment form and I'll keep my fingers crossed. It makes no sense that I earn HALF as much as I did and end up paying more. Thats's the fate of an unsheltered, undependented spinster I guess.