Friday, April 22, 2005

If everything were possible...

"You have not because you ask not..."
These words have been resonating in my head for days. Someone said them to me and I've been thinking about them ever since. What if everything I want is just for the asking? A thrilling, humbling, somewhat frightening prospect.
I've been grappling with my difficulties with asking for help but I also need to deal with my disavowal of desire. A simple question. What do you want. I have hardly a reply. I can't even remember when I stopped wanting or why. On one level not wanting is a means of control...of self and even others. If you do not want, other people cannot affect you. Their inconsistencies and shortcomings cannot knock you off course. It all really ties back to the help issue. The almost irrational need to be self-contained, self-sufficient. To connect with others one must ask for help, must be able then to articulate what one wants, needs, and expects of others. Then one must be prepared for inevitable dissapointment, but as I left out of the equation blissful satisfaction.
You have not because you ask not...
Its time for me to start asking.

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