I must thank Brunsli who gave me a gentle shake from an impending pity party. As I type I have had about six hours sleep in the past 48 or so hours. I am so tired and feel so empty. As New Year's Day approaches, I am a swirl of emotions.
I don't do resolutions, but I am pretty reflective.
Though I won't say there were not good days--there were--I am really glad to see an end to 2006. It has played out like two or three different years all full enough on their own.
I spent the first half in Virginia. The last half in New York. And all completely frazzled while trying to keep it together on the surface.
I'm pissed that my life is off track. Some days it really seems to be turning out all stick and no damn carrot.
But I am not going to complain. What am I really trying to do is dig down and find my self, my reserve, my drive. I know its there, because even though I may seem at rest, I can feel the energy swirling.Ii just have to figure out how to harness it and to what end.
I was saying I felt like running away from my life right now. Not because I hate it. But because I hate that its moving at this pace. Its the pace I need rather than the pace I want.
People think patience is a characteristic. It's not. It's a skill, a discipline, a habit, a verb. I do it but I do not embody it. I fake it. What is the inherent virtue of patience? I say there is none. There is nothing, I have concluded, transcendent about having to wait for what is worthwhile. If it is so, have it, do it, be it, live it. But wanting and having are sometimes estranged. I live in that gap. It is tight and uncomfortable.
2006 has 48 more hours.
The closest thing I have to a resolution for 2007 is straight talk. I'm weary of wondering. I am going to get to the nitty gritty. Even if it means some loss. I can take it. I want certainty and clarity and consistency. Everybody needs to walk and chew gum at the same time. Including me.
What does it mean that I can only remember three of the four agreements? Is that subliminal? The one I keep forgetting? Don't make assumptions. I think it may be the hardest one for me to overcome.
That's' why I need the straight talk. Take the pressure off me. Let my brain cool. You tell me. Draw me a diagram. I am not clairvoyant, just very damn perceptive.
I need to work on the other three also. I'm not perfect, just exactly the way I should be.
Why the tough talk? Because I need to grab a hold of myself and be my best friend again. Take care of me. It's the only job I'll have that no one else can do.