Saturday, February 12, 2005

I've already noted that blogs don't write themselves and that I need a damn computer so I can update more frequently. So no more about that.

So on to other topics...

I've been in this reflective mode about my life for about ever, but especially the past three years. I'm starting to feel pretty enlightened. On the one hand, I am really satisfied that I reordered my priorities and gave up a career that was taking me away from the values and experiences I really want my life to be about. On the other, I've replaced that career path with several babysteps toward I'm not sure where. I actually have a pretty cool idea of what I'd like to do, careerwise, but I've been much too self-deprecating to believe I could pursue it. Instead I've been making lateral moves and painfully small steps forward. I've also literally built a coccoon around myself (must lose twenty pounds). Of course, that's just how it is. As I've already covered, I'm done with the pity parties and weeping jags. I'm actually feeling pretty good (aside from some wicked bouts with PMS...another day). These days I'm actually feeling like I'm ready to spread out and deal with whatever may come my way.

I was talking with a friend about a lecture Cornel West gave where he mentioned the pain of living an examined life. I used to marvel at how people could go along without having invested any thought into who they were or where their lives were headed. Then I spent a time wishing I could be among them. Examination in and of itself does not lead to enlightment or satisfaction. Sometimes the best you can achieve is acceptance. What I've realized is that my challenge is to become more like myself and instead of changing myself to suit life, to change my life to suit me.
Certainly not original revelations, but I am at a point where I can see past my fears to my own self-interest.

In my youth, I learned by painful experience to consider only myself. Once an adult, I decided that way of being was a survival strategy that had been successful, but at the cost of my isolation from others. Letting others in means risking disappointment and pain, but it also means the possibility of abundance and joy. So it's like Powerball...even if you think the odds suck, you can't win if you don't play.

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