Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Keeps coming

There's not too much about this experience that I have any perspective on...I mean, I'm, grateful that I have my life and that my family is safe, and I haven't really thought too, too much about losing all my furniture, books, photos, clothes, pots, pans, etc. etc. etc. I mean material things can mostly be replaced and all that. What keeps getting me is that there is no end to all this. There's no waking up and finding that everything is getting back to normal or drawing to some sort of conclusion. And everytime I think I ahve some sort of handle on things it seems like I haven't bottomed at all. I'm feeling like what's the point...as soon as I deal with this crap there's going to be some fresh hell to deal with. Like my life is some game of dodgeball or something. Not to say I'm having a pity party, though I could just lack perspective. I just, honestly, can't come to some rational philosophical ground for all this. Are we all like ants? Just putting things back the way they were because that's the way the were and that's what we're supposed to do. ANd then when we're all tired out some new ants take our place. It doesn't help at all that I turn on the news and see all the reports about global warming, freaking bird flu, you name it. I suppose humanity has dealt with the probability of disaster and eminent calamity since time immemorial and I've even thought about it in the abstract, but now it's all too real. I don't have children...Should I? I mean in graduate school it was about the existential dilemma of race or class, but now I think about the existential dilemma of our very existence. Wars, famine, plagues...that's no place for a sweet baby. But then you have the partially theological laden hope that the next generation will produce some salvation, some change. But I bet every generation has that hope. As for me, growing up an only child, I always figured having a child as a single person was an extremely precarious situation into which to bring a life. But the divorce rate is so high in this country and so many people--two income or one--live everyday under the encroaching threat of financial ruin...
So I do have this crap on my mind. But I'm really freaking out because my Dad is considering going to Texas with his job. I never actually figured my parents would actually be split up by all this crap. I hope that he doesn't do it. It seems like the worst idea ever for them to be separated right now. But it's not my decision to make. I was rooting for him to find a position up here and transfer until they could make a decision about the house. But my mother comes in this morning and says he's going to go to Texas. Maybe they are still just talking through it. If he goes, I don't know if that means that my mother and Gram are going to go too. I don't know if I could stand to relocate and leave my mother and Gram here alone. I don't know if I could handle the commute if I stayed. And above all I'm pissed that I even have to hyperventilate a second about my parents being separated. In my mind, I need them to be together through all this. I don't need to have them in separate places, having separate worries...

2 comments:

Richard K said...

Hi, your blog is fantastic! Well done!

I have a travel china site/blog. It pretty much covers travel china related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

Doc_Lock said...

I have finally taken the plunge and joined the blogging community. I sense that this is a new adventure of sorts with unknown outcomes and possibilities.
I am not sure if the space is for my personal expression, voyeurism, or exhibitionism. :) You have not written in some time. Although I speak to you almost daily, I look forward to reading your blog as the content communiated by phone is different than the content shared on the blog. It's as if the Blog taps your subconscious and permits expression of your inner world and vulnerabilities in a much different way. Write on!! :)