Saturday, December 17, 2005

Back again

It's been a while. I haven't been up to posting, but I've had a hell of a lot on my mind. Having this down time has given me an opportunity to think through things. And definitely feel things. Last time I posted I noticed how I had 'planned' to relocate to NYC or DC by Fall. Dammit, here I am. Anyhow. I guess I'm thinking that it's as good a time as any to figure out where I am and where I want to go next. On the one hand, I wish I wouldn't have put my name in the blog name because I may want to go into some say sensitive areas, but on the other who the hell is really looking so wtf.
I am realizing, as a result of not really having many obligations or much motivation, that there is a list of things I've been not quite dealing with, not quite feeling, resolving, processing. I'm also thinking I'm doing pretty good with some things and not claiming the benefits of that.
I had two interviews for a job in DC, but I pretty much figure I didn't get it. Even though I have this superstition that what you talk about you lose--jobs, relationships, clearance items--I'll go ahead and air it out...especially since I figure I already didn't get it. Well, in the space of waiting between the first and second interview and especially right after the second meeting, I started having--let's call it a panic reaction to the whole idea of going back to work. I felt all clammy and jittery. Not like I've ever felt before. The whole idea of getting up, getting dressed, sitting at a desk all day and interacting with people just made me freak out. So I wasn't exactly heartbroken when I didn't hear good news after a few days and now a few weeks. The problem is I feel thatw ay about just about any job and a lot of social situations and people. I'd just rather take a pass on the whole thing. I'm not sure if that is going to pass on its own, but maybe if I could think of something I'd really like to do I could pursue that.
I spent over a week in New York on J's couch. That was fine until I got pre-menstrual and then had too much to drink at her party. Do not drink and dial, people...the phone is not a toy. Anyhow...I made an ass of myself and totally polluted an already jacked-up 'relationship' that was going retrospect no harm done there, but definitely a prime opportunity for me to reassess there as well. The whole thing involved a situation that wasn't working from about the day after I met the guy. But I've been willing, probably out of boredom and sheer lack of motivation, to go along and not put a bullet in the situation. In fact, I've made half-ass attempts to 'move on'--meaning I've dated other people in the interim--but I decided I needed to make this situation work despite a legitimate depth of feeling of connection. Complete fantasy production. Well, I totally made an ass of myself on the phone...tears, the whole nine yards...why, why, why. I was getting on my own nerves. And for what? I don't know. It seemed more entertaining than facing reality. Yet facing reality is inevitable....
Maybe I'm working up to it. Sneaking up on it. Only fourteen more days in this damn year.

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